Saturday, October 10, 2015

Make-Up or No?

I got to thinking about something a former friend discussed with me: Make-up, and putting "effort" into your appearance. I wanted to blog about it because if someone with the same issues I have sees this and feels a little better afterwards or feels less alone, then that's good.
(This topic reminds me of the Korean drama personal taste: I recommend it. Great drama.)

In his opinion, I'm ugly with "potential", if I put what he considers "effort" into my appearance (which, thank you, honestly, for your honest opinions and "advice", truly, but if I did wear makeup after that, it wouldn't be for me. It would be for you and your acceptance, and that's not a reason for me to alter my appearance. Also, I do put effort into my appearance. I like my hair looking a certain way and I get dressed up in clothes I consider to be nice AND comfortable every time I go out somewhere, no matter where it is.) Now, I want to be "pretty". I've always wanted to be pretty. But I don't want to have to wear makeup to like myself or be ok with myself, and you know what? I don't have to. "Pretty" is subjective and just because you may not think something is pretty doesn't mean that it isn't.
Makeup can be fun to mess around with, to experiment with. People use it to feel pretty, to be artistic, etc, etc. I love makeup, and watching all the cool tutorials on YouTube (especially around Halloween) but makeup isn't for everyone and it simply isn't for me. Maybe down the road, but not now. If anything, if I start using makeup, I want a decent self esteem first. I don't want to start using makeup and then it somehow winds up being some weird crutch for my self esteem and how I feel about myself, y'know?
Plus, I can't afford make-up. I have other things I should be focusing on financially.

He told me a story, about a girl who didn't put effort into her appearance, and because of that he would actively avoid being her friend or even having decent conversations with her. One night, he's at a party, and the same girl shows up all "dolled up" and done up and everything and he's so into her. They make plans to hang out again, and she shows up not looking like she did at the party, and he was disappointed because he created this expectation that she would start to always put in as much effort as she did for the party, even for just casual hang outs.
He didn't even try to be her friend until she showed up at a party looking like she did. What about her personality? I mean, don't get me wrong, looks matter. But if someone just simply isn't dressing up how you think they should or putting 'effort' into their appearance like you'd like them too, that's just gonna control whether or not you become friends with them? What if they were the most amazing person in the world, would you be willing to give them the chance to show it despite their appearance?
His story, honestly, told me a lot more about him than it did about that girl. He made me feel like I need to care more about the opinions of strangers than my own opinions of myself. I just don't understand why I should care about pleasing people I don't even know, and who wouldn't even give a shit about me unless I looked a certain way. If someone doesn't like how I look, they don't have to look at me, and if they're going to completely dismiss me and say i'm not worth their time based on how I look, then they're not worth my time either, tbh.

I mean, that's just always how it is. Nobody's willing to give you the time of day unless you look like you're worth it. If you don't, you get shit for it. You get teased, and told you're worth less than the "pretty" girls. There's more to a person than how they look. I don't think it's wrong for someone to not want to get all dressed up every time they want to make a friend, or hang out with someone. It's not wrong for someone to want to go out and hang out with friends sans make-up and look casual and comfortable while they do it. If you think they need to get all dressed up and dolled up just to hang out with you, maybe you need to change, not them.
There's just so much pressure to look a certain way so that people will "like you". Not to mention that what you consider effort and what someone else considers effort might not be the same.
Some people put all the effort in the world into their appearance with the makeup and the hair and the clothes, the shaving, the waxing, the eyebrows, the everything and they get it to where they like it and think 'oh i think it looks good' and maybe some people would agree but then there's still gonna be people who give them shit for their appearance.
Also, Make-up can be pretty pricey. What if someone can't afford the effort you want them to put into their appearance? The amount of money it takes to buy make-up could be used to buy something they actually need.

I think if you're going to be friends with someone, their personality should matter more to you than anything because what's on the inside could make you disgusting no matter what you look like on the outside. And if your friendship is based and built on the foundation of their appearance, I don't consider that a sincere friendship. Appearances change. People change.
I was "friends" in elementary school with a boy who really liked these cool shoes I had. One day I stopped wearing them because I got other shoes I liked and wanted to wear those instead, and he stopped being my friend for it. That's ridiculous. If you're going to be actual friends with someone, it should be more about the connection you have with them, not how much you like how they look, or the things that they have.

I want to be liked for me, not for my "potential" to look a certain way. I want to like myself, but I don't want to have to alter my appearance just to do it.
Trust me, I have things about myself I would change in an absolute heart beat if I could, and someday if I can afford it, I totally will, but that's for me. If you cannot like me for who I am, despite my flaws and whatnot, that's not my problem. I am working on myself, but I don't want to feel like I'm obligated to do so for your sake. I don't want friends who will only be willing to deal with me if I put a shit ton of effort into how I look or start wearing make-up. I am not someone's personal project.

If you dress up for people and it's something that makes you happy, that's cool and you have every right to do that, but that would not be something that would make me happy. I would get lost in trying to please someone else visually because they expect that of me, and, tbh, that's bullshit.
I have freckles and I don't pluck or shave my eyebrows. My body is not perfectly hairless and sometimes I just don't feel like shaving (even though, personally I do not care for hair). I have bad habits like picking at my lips or nails. I do not have perfect health and I have a mental illness, but I am still a human being.
Live and let live. Nobody is perfect and what right do you have to expect someone to be for your sake?


“You would look so much better if you lost some weight-“

“You would be so much cuter with make up-“

“Make sure you shave or wax away all that body hair-“

“You shouldn’t wear that-“

“You would be beautiful if you just changed how you look-“

The following was a post on instagram that a YouTuber I watch made that I thought was a good message and fit well with this post:
'the world is changed by your example, not your opinion' πŸ—ΏπŸ—ž someone giving you hate for doing YOUR thing & living YOUR life in a way that makes you feel happy & confident? brush them off bc you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. EVERYONE deserves love, feel beautiful, feel accepted, & not feel shame for the way they look or choose to express themselves & not to be told they’re UGLY just because you don’t fit someone’s ideal look/type. i’ve said it before, & i’ll say it again ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL, NO ONE TYPE OF BEAUTY IS MORE VALUABLE THAN ANOTHER. don’t let anyone try & cram u into a little cookie cutter mold. DO YOUR OWN THING, BE LOUD & PROUD of the AMAZING person u are! u are beautiful, interesting, one of a kind, IRREPLACEABLE- don’t let anyone stifle ur unique personality. what makes people truly beautiful is their DIFFERENCES, not how alike we can all be to one another. we humans are not mass produced- no look is RIGHT or WRONG. i wish the makeup ‘COMMUNITY’ was indeed a COMMUNITY instead of a place where people tear each other down because a certain look isn’t something they would wear or try. so what? whats wrong for YOU might be right for someone else. it just makes me so sad thinking of all the people too scared to put themselves out there because they don’t want to get tormented by others who think their OPINIONS are more important than peoples minds, hearts, & souls. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK/TYPE. just because u have the RIGHT to say something DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD. focus on things you’re passionate about & get vocal about those things. LIVE & LET LIVE-LIVE IN LOVE. experience the amazing feeling of loving not only yourself, but those around u as well. expand ur mind & understand that ur way of living, dressing, etc isn’t the ONLY way to live, dress, etc. TOLERANCE is one of the most important values that a person can possess. think ‘IF THIS PERSON WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF ME WOULD I SAY THIS TO THEM’- if the answer is NO then u probably shouldn’t be saying it online either. YOUR WORDS & ACTIONS HAVE WEIGHT & IMPACT. its your choice. do u want to impact the world around u in a positive or negative way?
A photo posted by grav3yardgirl (@grav3yardgirl) on

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