Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Abusive Ex-Boyfriend EDITED

Back in December, I decided to contact my ex, Brian, to question him about all the sexual things he would attempt to do when I was sleeping and couldn't say no.

He'd touch me through my panties, and put his mouth on my breasts, and he'd even dry hump me.
However, he can remember touching me, but he tried to excuse the humping saying that he doesn't remember it, or that he was probably doing it in his sleep. I made a post on one of my tumblrs the day we had the conversation. I'll insert that here:
"I was feeling curious after watching all these video responses to Jenna Marbles latest video, and so I contacted my ex, asking him what exactly he's done to me in my sleep during all the times we dated.
If you didn't know, and probably don't, my ex, who was my first boyfriend ever, pressured me into sex multiple times (but I never had sex with him) and touched me in my sleep sometimes (rubbing my crotch through my panties, sucking on my breasts) whenever I would sleep over at his house. He even humped me a couple times. I know this because I would wake up sometimes while he was doing this stuff and then not do anything about it. Partly because I was really fucking tired and was just like 'wtf?' I didn't like it or enjoy it, I just didn't know what I could do about it, y'know? Does that make sense? I mean there were times I rolled over to make him stop but he'd just do it again another time. He even said one time when I woke up and he was rubbing my crotch through my panties, that while he was doing that, I was moaning. First of all, can I contest that I was not moaning consciously as I was asleep when this apparently occured, and that 'moaning' in my sleep in no way means I enjoyed it, or wanted it. I do not control what I say or what noises I make in my sleep.
Besides that, He broke up with me 2 times as a joke, and let his best friend bully me and treat me like shit.
He'd also call me a whore a lot despite my saying stop and that I don't like it. He'd also just stand around, doing nothing, when people bullied me in school. Someone, probably sarcastically, said to him that he'd be a lot 'cooler' if it weren't for the fact that he's with me, and he didn't say shit about it. How is that supposed to make me feel???
Here is the messages:
His picture isn't shown because shortly after this I blocked him.
He's shrugging it off because it's been about 3 years since I left him, so apparently it's less important than it would have been if I confronted him about it right as it was happening. Which I actually did a few times, but even then he still acted like it was nothing or he just said sorry and acted like that fixed everything and that if I got upset and cried about it, that was stupid. Honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it then because I felt like nobody would care, and it was nothing and that people had been through far worse, which I'm sure lots of people have, but I wanted answers. I wanted him to acknowledge what he's done and honestly if he expects me to not get just a little angry over the bullshit he's put me through, and he doesn't realize how damaging what he did can be, then that just adds to the problem.
And if he really did hump me in his sleep, or was asleep while doing so, fine. I get that you can't control your actions when you're sleeping, but that doesn't make it any less wrong.

And also, I found a post on tumblr today that is very relevant to this:
"the shit about abusers is, they have no recollection of how they've been abusive coz its as normal as breathing to them. you will remember exactly how they scarred you and they'll be like “geez, it was whatever long ago, who cares?” or “i dont remember that at all”while you nurse psychological wounds for decades over it."
EDIT 6/5/15: It's been a couple of years or so since I made this post and I've learned a bit about sexual abuse and whatnot since making it, so I wanted to edit this blog post and change things a little.
Brian was a bad person. He was selfish, he was ignorant, and he molested me. He bullied me. He didn't stand up for me when other people bullied me. He was abusive. He would let his best friend treat me like shit and not do a damn thing about it. Someone wrote something about me on the bleachers in our high school one year, and there were all kinds of people all around it so I didn't want to go over there to read it myself because obviously that's a set up for them to laugh at me and treat me like shit, so I asked him to do it and he out-right refused to help me out with that. To this day I do not know what was written on those bleachers. (obviously that's a small thing but that's just an example of how little he ever did help me. I honestly don't remember there being a time where he did help me.) There were so many things wrong with our relationship, and truth be told, while I wanted to, because I felt like that was something I was obligated to have since we were together, I never had feelings for him. He is someone I deeply regret ever having had a relationship with, and it really is something I wish I could change, or at least go back and slap him incredibly hard across the face.
In our messages, shown above, he admits what he did, and I know what I remember, considering I was there when it happened. He uses the 'I don't remember' garbage as an excuse, and then tries to make me feel guilty for getting mad at him and what he did by trying to manipulate me with 'I loved you, and I still do'. He tried to turn this around on me to make him seem like more of a victim for me calling him out on what he did and what he claims to not remember.
The fact of the matter is, I know what he did to me in my sleep, to an extent. I do NOT know what he might have done to me during times I didn't wake up. That is something I will never know, and that fucking sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I didn't tell anybody about what he did aside from a couple friends until I made this post. My parents don't know, Brian's father doesn't know (He'd hear me yelling at Brian to stop doing things several times in the other room of their house and later jokingly mock me for it without knowing what I was telling him to stop doing). I let it go because I felt like nobody would give a shit about what happened or say it's my fault. The typical things. I just felt terrible and I honestly felt like I had nobody to really confide in.

Brian, you probably won't ever see this, and I couldn't care less if you ever did, but if you do:
I don't forgive you, and you don't deserve a relationship. I don't believe that you ever loved me. What you did was wrong, and I should have told someone.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, can I firstly say how brave you are for writing this AND for posting his name. I can relate to everything you have written in this post and I just wanted to say that I know how you felt in the situation you were in. It is sexual assault, what your ex boyfriend did (which is what mine did) is sexual assault and of course they won't admit to it. No doubt they think they're innocent in this and that its 'our own fault'. The amount of times I woke up to him is ridiculous and absolutely frightening. It stays with you, or at least it has with me. Again, I know you are very brave to write this and I hope your ex does read it! I wrote posts but I never included his name because I knew what he was like. I too wish I had told someone and much sooner then I did. I didn't think it was abuse, I thought it was 'normal' at first, until it kept happening and I had to ask him to 'let me sleep' if I stayed over and to not do what he was doing to me. It was at that moment I became frightened because he 'agreed' not to do it but he broke his word and did it anyway. You're very brave and I'm pleased I found your blog post. It might prove to some people that this is wrong behaviour.