Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Abusive Ex-Boyfriend EDITED

**NOTE: Contains explicit details**

Back in December 2012, I decided to contact my ex, Brian, to question him about all the sexual things he would attempt to do when I was sleeping and couldn't say no because I had been thinking about it and wanted answers, and to see if he even considered what he had done to be wrong..

He'd touch me through my panties, and put his mouth on my breasts, and he'd even dry hump me.
He can remember touching me, but he tried to excuse the humping saying that he doesn't remember it, or that he was probably doing it in his sleep.
I made a post on my tumblr the day we had the conversation. I'll insert that here:
"I was feeling curious after watching all these video responses to Jenna Marbles latest video, and so I contacted my ex, asking him what exactly he's done to me in my sleep during all the times we dated.
If you didn't know, and probably don't, my ex, who was my first boyfriend ever, tried to pressure me into sex multiple times (but I never had sex with him) and touched me in my sleep sometimes (rubbing my crotch through my panties, sucking on my breasts) whenever I would sleep over at his house. He even humped me a couple times. I know this because I would wake up sometimes while he was doing this stuff and then not do anything about it. Partly because I was really fucking tired and was just like 'wtf?' I didn't like it or enjoy it, I just didn't know what I could do about it, y'know? Does that make sense? I mean there were times I rolled over to make him stop but he'd just do it again another time. He even said one time when I woke up and he was rubbing my crotch through my panties, that while he was doing that, I was moaning. First of all, can I contest that I was not moaning consciously as I was asleep when this apparently occured, and that 'moaning' in my sleep in no way means I enjoyed it, or wanted it. I do not control what I say or what noises I make in my sleep. Nobody does.
Besides that, He broke up with me 2 times as a joke, and let his best friend, as well as other people, bully me and treat me like shit.
He'd also call me a whore a lot despite my saying stop and that I don't like it.
Here is the messages:
His picture isn't shown because shortly after this I blocked him.
He's shrugging it off because it's been about 3 years since I left him, so apparently it's less important than it would have been if I confronted him about it right as it was happening. Which I actually did a few times, but even then he still acted like it was nothing or he just said sorry and acted like that fixed everything and that if I got upset and cried about it, that I was being stupid. Honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it then because I felt like nobody would care, and it was nothing and that people had been through far worse, which I'm sure lots of people have, but I wanted answers. I wanted him to acknowledge what he's done and honestly if he expects me to not get just a little angry over the bullshit he's put me through, and he doesn't realize how damaging what he did can be, then that just adds to the problem.
And if he really did hump me in his sleep, or was asleep while doing so, fine. I get that you can't control your actions when you're sleeping, but that doesn't make it any less wrong.
And also, I found a post on tumblr today that is very relevant to this:
"the shit about abusers is, they have no recollection of how they've been abusive coz its as normal as breathing to them. you will remember exactly how they scarred you and they'll be like “geez, it was whatever long ago, who cares?” or “i dont remember that at all” while you nurse psychological wounds for decades over it."

EDIT 6/5/15: It's been a couple of years or so since I made this post and I've learned a bit about sexual abuse and whatnot since making it, so I wanted to edit this blog post and change things a little.
Brian was a (maybe unintentionally) bad person. He was selfish, he was ignorant, and he molested me. He bullied me. He didn't stand up for me when other people bullied me. He was abusive, or at least had abusive tendencies. He would let his best friend treat me like shit. He pulled my chair out from under me as I was sitting down so I'd fall on the floor. We constantly fought. There were so many things wrong with our relationship, and truth be told, while I wanted to, because I felt like that was something I was obligated to have since we were together, I never had feelings for him, not positive ones anyway (maybe in the start but as the relationship progressed and things went sour, that stopped). He is someone I deeply regret ever having had a relationship with, and it really is something I wish I could change. I mean, I can't say I was an angel in the relationship either, and by the time it was over it had become so unhealthy on both ends. It wasn't good for either of us, but I can say with certainty that I did not treat him as bad as he treated me.

In our messages, shown above, he admits what he did or at least what he "remembers", and I know what I remember, considering I was there when it happened. He uses the 'I don't remember' garbage as an excuse, and then tries to make me feel guilty for getting mad at him and what he did by trying to manipulate me with 'I loved you, and I still do but gosh darn if you're not acting unreasonable for this' hooplah. He tried to turn this around on me to make him seem like more of a victim for me calling him out on what he did and what he claims to not remember, even if it had been several years since it happened. He didn't even try to see where I was coming from or why this was important to me.
The fact of the matter is, I know what he did to me in my sleep, to an extent. I do NOT know what he might have done to me during times I didn't wake up. That is something I will never know, and that fucking sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I didn't tell anybody about what he did aside from a couple friends until I made this post. My parents don't know, Brian's father doesn't know (He'd hear me yelling at Brian to stop doing things several times in the other room of their house and later jokingly mock me for it without knowing what I was telling Brian to stop doing). I let it go because I felt like nobody would give a shit about what happened or say it's my fault. The typical things. I just felt terrible and I honestly felt like I had nobody to really confide in.

Brian, you probably won't ever see this, and I couldn't care less if you ever did, but if you do:
I don't forgive you because you're probably not actually sorry. I don't believe that you ever actually loved me, because why would you treat someone that you loved the way you treated me.. If you did love me, your view on love is skewed, and you need to learn how to treat people you love better.
I messaged you to get answers, even if it had been three years since we finished, because I felt that I deserved answers, and you deserved to be called out on your shit and know that what you did was wrong so here you go: What you did was wrong, and I should have told someone.

I wanted to make this post so that people who are also in my position know that their situation is not their fault, and that they're not alone. Don't let people who do bad things to you get away with it.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, can I firstly say how brave you are for writing this AND for posting his name. I can relate to everything you have written in this post and I just wanted to say that I know how you felt in the situation you were in. It is sexual assault, what your ex boyfriend did (which is what mine did) is sexual assault and of course they won't admit to it. No doubt they think they're innocent in this and that its 'our own fault'. The amount of times I woke up to him is ridiculous and absolutely frightening. It stays with you, or at least it has with me. Again, I know you are very brave to write this and I hope your ex does read it! I wrote posts but I never included his name because I knew what he was like. I too wish I had told someone and much sooner then I did. I didn't think it was abuse, I thought it was 'normal' at first, until it kept happening and I had to ask him to 'let me sleep' if I stayed over and to not do what he was doing to me. It was at that moment I became frightened because he 'agreed' not to do it but he broke his word and did it anyway. You're very brave and I'm pleased I found your blog post. It might prove to some people that this is wrong behaviour.