Sunday, March 24, 2013

Do you honestly think you're a good mother???

My best friend, Meg, has a very Christian mother. Devout, I should say. Meg is borderline atheist, if not one already. She's not completely sure of what she believes in and that's fine, IMO. However, for her mom, this is not acceptable. I met meg 3 years ago, and that was at a time where her mother was so adamant about what she would believe in that she threw 'holy' water on her, and claimed the devil had possessed her and told her to act like this, and when Meg decided to come out to her mom as being Atheist, her mother locked her out of the house and she had to wait outside for 8 hours for her father to come home from work and let her back in.

I asked Meg if she'd be willing to make a list of things her mother had done to her since she was a child (we're on skype, don't mind the timestamps or her screenname):

"I mean some of the big things were that she sent me convinced doctors to send me to the hospital for irrational thinking
When I just wanted to live with my aunt
She also forced medicine on me, if I didn't take it, she took EVERYTHING away
Everything that I cared for
When I was younger, she was extremely threatening. I was scared shitless of her. She would always say "Don't make mean mommy come out".. And once she said that, I immediately obeyed, because if I did anything after that, she would haul me up to the bathroom and spank me on my bare ass that it left bruises I think.
She said "Go ahead, they won't beileve you, and even if they did, you would be taken into a home and really be abused and raped and tortured like ALL foster kids are"
[9:11:43 AM] marry me nao omg: Whenever I didn't go to church, she would immediately say how I was possessed by the devil. She's thrown holy water on me numerous occasion saying "Demon begone from my child"
[9:12:29 AM] marry me nao omg: She's been a notorious dream killer. Even my father and sister agree with that. Whenever you have an idea, she instantly bashes it down with "Oh well we're talking about reality here. You can't do that"
[9:12:57 AM | Edited 9:13:05 AM] marry me nao omg: And whenever you say about how it's not really reality she's talking about but stupidity, she says "You don't know about reality, you've never lived in it"
[9:13:31 AM] marry me nao omg: She's constantly doubted my intelligence, by putting me in basic classes whenever I wanted to be in higher classes.
She emotionally manipulates Meg, threatens her using mental hospitals as a scape goat. 'Do this or you'll be sent to the hospital! You use the internet too much, I should send you to the hospital!'
 "Go ahead, they won't beileve you, and even if they did, you would be taken into a home and really be abused and raped and tortured like ALL foster kids are"
Sure, there are foster homes that are abusive and torturous to the kids they take in. However, that is simply NOT the case for every single foster home. Though I'm sure that was just an attempt to scare Meg into not wanting to be in foster care so you could keep her under your control and not ruin the image you have for yourself outside your home, right?

"[9:14:16 AM] marry me nao omg: And whenever I told her something I knew (even if it was something stupid) she would say "How smart are you?" in a really impressed tone.
[9:14:26 AM] marry me nao omg: Which pissed me off because it was what idiots could come up with.
[9:15:05 AM] marry me nao omg: In class in elementary school, she would go to all of my friend's little art projects and compliment them with how wonderful they were.
[9:15:12 AM] marry me nao omg: But she would look at mine, and start criticizing it
[9:15:16 AM] marry me nao omg: Infront of me.
[9:15:36 AM] marry me nao omg: She's done that to my little sister too, so she hasn't changed at all.
[9:16:03 AM] marry me nao omg: Whenever I lost my toys, she would always claim that there was a lady that came into the house and stole my toys because I was a bad girl.
[9:16:28 AM] marry me nao omg: She's very irrational, doesn't believe in evolution and believes in everything the bible says.
[9:16:33 AM] marry me nao omg: Despite being a scientist.
[9:16:59 AM] marry me nao omg: Whenever you try to argue about religion, (AND EVEN IF IT WASN'T AN ARGUMENT, IF YOU MENTIONED THAT OTHER PEOPLE BELIEVED IN OTHER THINGS) she would say how they're worshipping devils
[9:17:03 AM] marry me nao omg: And how they were going to go to hell
[9:17:29 AM] marry me nao omg: And literally almost every conversation I had with her turned into a religious lecture about how I should let jesus into my life."

"[9:17:40 AM] marry me nao omg: Literally anything, I did an experiment one day. I was having breakfast.
[9:18:06 AM] marry me nao omg: She asked if I had any tests that day or something
[9:18:19 AM | Edited 9:18:25 AM] marry me nao omg: And she said 'you should pray that you do well on the test, jesus will help you"
[9:18:38 AM] marry me nao omg: and I would say "but it's my responsiblity, not Jesus'"
[9:18:53 AM] marry me nao omg: And she would say dumb shit like "But Jesus gave you the knowledge to make you do well on the test"
[9:18:59 AM] marry me nao omg: Eveything was about God. fucking everything.
[9:19:13 AM] marry me nao omg: I stopped talking to her for periods of time
[9:19:34 AM] marry me nao omg: She would accuse that I hated her, and how she birthed me and how I should be appreciative of everything that she's ever done.
[9:19:51 AM] marry me nao omg: She forced me into many things that I didn't want to do. Like piano.
[9:20:01 AM] marry me nao omg: Wasting so much money on lessons that i TOLD HER THAT I DID NOT WANT.
[9:20:02 AM] marry me nao omg: THAT I HATED IT.
[9:20:16 AM] marry me nao omg: "You're still going, we're paying for it, you'll appreciate it in the future"
[9:20:26 AM] marry me nao omg: Soon I just stopped giving a fuck, and didn't practice at all.
[9:20:34 AM] marry me nao omg: The teacher absolutely hated me.
[9:20:50 AM] marry me nao omg: Dropped me as a student.
[9:21:12 AM] marry me nao omg: Thinking of the stuff she's recently done.
[9:21:22 AM] marry me nao omg: She's gone through my phone, taken it literally when I was sleeping.
[9:21:29 AM] marry me nao omg: Or just grabbed it out of my hands and ran off with it
[9:21:42 AM] marry me nao omg: She's gone through my computer while I was in the bathroom and left it open
[9:21:58 AM] marry me nao omg: and looked through my documents and then decided that she wanted to take everything away AGAIN.
[9:22:14 AM] marry me nao omg: Because that's the only thing she knows how to do for discipline, she doesn't try to understand. You have no word. You try to speak but she cuts you off.
[9:22:45 AM] marry me nao omg: You ask her what her reason is for anything, she'll just say "It's because I said so. What about the commandments saying that you should obey your mother and father? You need to go to confession"
[9:22:58 AM] marry me nao omg: And then the next day she would do a guilt trip on me saying how sorry she was.
[9:23:11 AM] marry me nao omg: Give me anything that I wanted, and I would basically forgive her.
[9:23:17 AM] marry me nao omg: But she does the exact same shit over and over again.
[9:24:30 AM] marry me nao omg: Back when I was in school, and had a problem with anything (like math or something) she would say "You spend too much time watching tv and hanging out with friends, you need to study 24/7 now"
[9:24:40 AM] marry me nao omg: and gave me all these problems for me to work out
[9:24:54 AM] marry me nao omg: But I didn't really know how to solve them, because she never taught me anything lol
[9:25:19 AM] marry me nao omg: And then she would question me when I got them wrong: "Why did you get these wrong? You need to do more problems!"
[9:25:41 AM] marry me nao omg: She would never EVER let me cut my hair
[9:25:47 AM] marry me nao omg: Saying that long hair was God's will
[9:25:54 AM] marry me nao omg: And quote some stupid shit from the bible
[9:26:17 AM] marry me nao omg: Whenever I cut or trimmed my hair myself, she would tell me how horrible it looks and unflattering.
[9:26:27 AM] marry me nao omg: Even though I thought it looked nice, and random people TOLD ME IT LOOKED NICE.
[9:27:00 AM] marry me nao omg: And when I mean random, like strangers that I would go somewhere, and they would come up with me and say "Wow, I really like your hair, where did you get it cut?"
[9:27:37 AM] marry me nao omg: She bought all my clothes, clothes that looked childish and hated. Clothes that I would eventually be picked on for.
[9:27:59 AM] marry me nao omg: And I hated shopping with her, because whenver I said that I liked something she said "Oh, well let's be honest here, are you really going to wear it?"
[9:29:02 AM] marry me nao omg: Whenever I questioned her horrid fashion sense she would say
[9:29:16 AM] marry me nao omg: "I know what kids are wearing, and I was always fashionable in high school"
[9:29:33 AM] marry me nao omg: Lol, says the person who apparently had no friends in high school and ate lunch in the bathroom.
[9:29:52 AM] marry me nao omg: She ate lunch in the bathroom because she thought people were watching her eat.
[9:29:55 AM] marry me nao omg: Extremely paranoid.
So in the end, she didn't let me do much without major consequences.
[9:30:56 AM] marry me nao omg: I was trapped, I hated bringing people to my house because of my mother mainly. 

Now, a few months ago Meg decided she would come out about her past in order to seek help from relatives or authorities and she came out about her father molesting her when she was little and the relatives on her fathers side, of course, didn't believe her. Her dad was removed from the home for a short period of time in order for CPS to investigate, talk with her mother and her and all that and he would refuse to take a lie detector test. Her mother upon finding out, from Meg, that he had done this said 'I suspected as much, but I didn't do anything'. She then proceeded to convince CPS that Meg was lying and just wanted attention and managed to get her dad brought back into her home. While he was away her little sister and mother blamed her for everything. Yvette, her sister, would say she was being selfish and making stuff up and that she was ruining everything. They treated her like she was crazy and called her a liar.

In mid october 2012, she uploaded a video to youtube explaining what she was going through at the time and posted the video to her tumblr with the description:

"This video is only a mere summary of my current problems. I suffer from severe clinical depression and anxiety.
Used to take four medications daily, three antidepressants and one anxiety medication at nearly their highest dosages: Hydroxizine, Prozac, Abilify, Wellbuitran
At a very young age, I knew what profanities meant, since my father used it frequently in the house at everything. He called me and my mother by those names too.
Things got worse. He started to touch me very inappropriately, and still to this day he denies it. But I can recall to you in detail all the times he did. I didn’t know it was wrong, all I knew at that age was that it was a game my father and I used to play.
My mother used to ask me at the age of 8, “Sweetie, if daddy ever touches you where youre not supposed to be touched, please tell mommy and mommy will get him help”
I lied everytime. I saw how much my parents loved eachother and wanted them to be together.
I went to a new school at the age of 7, and started first grade. Through that elementary school, I was bullied due to a speech impediment I had. At this time my father was still molesting me.
I was ten when he finally stopped, because I used to push him away and tell him to stop.
My grades suffered due to undiagnosed depression, and my father would scream at me where my assignments were, and why they were late. I would cry so hard I started to hyperventilate, and lock myself up in the bathroom while he would still yell at me and bang on the door.
It was when I was a freshman in high school that I started to become extremely insecure of my appearance. I hated my hair, so I wore a wig to school everyday. No one knew except my family, and my mother would degrade me for hating my body so much. I never self starved at that age, I already viewed myself as being too thin actually, and wanted to eat more so I could get ‘curvy’. But it never really worked out that way, and it would always go to my stomach, making me look pregnant.
It was next year, sophomore year, when I crashed. I was overwhelmed with work, I was angry and furious with myself because I thought I was disappointing my parents who I loved deeply. I was unresponsive.
I started to ignore my friends, and not talk to them. I ate lunch alone. My teachers were concerned about me, and started emailing my parents as to what was up. When my parents questioned me what the hell was going on, I just looked down at my feet and went upstairs to my room.
It was that December during Christmas Break when I attempted suicide for the first time. I was caught by my mother though, and she cried as she took me to the doctor. That’s when they diagnosed me with severe depression.
I was put on antidepressants and had a therapist.
I dropped out of school at 15 and was homeschooling myself. I spent those next 6 months in almost complete isolation. I didn’t leave my house or talk for the next 6 months. I spent time alone in my room while my parents would bring me my food.. The only time I would step out of the room was to go to the bathroom or shower. I studied on the computer, and in the meantime made some friends who were actually going through some hard times aswell.
My mother and father were still emotionally abusive though and thought of me as a failure. I tried to run away one day. I packed my bags, called up an aunt of mine that lived a few states away telling her that I was taking taxi/bus rides to her house. She betrayed me and told my parents. My parents then admitted me to the mental hospital for ‘irrational thinking’. I spent six days there since the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me besides depression. I didn’t make friends and only liked the fact that I was away from my parents.
After I got out, my parents took away everything. The phones, the computers, they even tried to take away the cable. They told me internet was the source of all evil, and that it was the reason why they took it away, even though all my dear friends were online, they claimed them to not be real friends, but only pedophiles that wanted me, which I knew wasn’t true.
My parents forced me to go back to school that year. They threatened that if I didn’t get out of bed, they were going to call the truant officer and that he would bring me to school and walk me to every class. I obeyed, and went.
This school year, which would be my senior year, I dropped out of high school again because they told me that with my few credits, it would take roughly two to three years for me to graduate.
I dropped out for good this time, and am just at home, trying to find a job. I doubt I can be anything more than a nursing assistant with the way things have been.
When I told my friends that I dropped out of school, they left aswell, claiming that I was far too troublesome and they didn’t want to associate with someone who didn’t have anything going for them. I was devastated when they said this, especially one because she was one of my oldest friends, who I trusted so much, and thought of as a sister.
I still have a few friends in the area, they however are far too busy with school now to have time for me. So I spend all my time in the house, or at the therapist still.
About a week ago I finally told my mother about the way my father sexual molested me as a child.. Her exact words “I expected as much, but I never did anything”.
I didn’t know how to feel, I felt like complete shit that she pretty much knew all along that he was doing this to her child. I blame my parents for my depression, for almost everything that’s happened.
My father completely denies everything. I told my therapist about what had happened, and she made a call to CPS. They questioned me a few days ago, and on that day I was almost taken away by social services. Instead however, my father was ordered to be removed from the home. My mother and my dad’s side of the family blame me for everything that’s happened so far. My parents are in tough financial times and can barely afford a lawyer, let alone pay the bills of the house.
We’re going to have to move for the first time since I was born. I feel awful to have separated my family with coming out with this just now. It hurts like hell, and people who I have talked to say I shouldn’t care what they look at me as. But they’re still my parents. I still love them.
In the end of my story, I attempted suicide 9 times, tried to run away four times, went to the mental ward once, and almost went to juvy for trying to run away.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a failure exactly, I see a person who is trying to get back on their feet. I don’t want people to pity me, I don’t see what I’ve been through as that severe. There are people who have been sexually trafficked from a young age, have gotten into drugs. That was not me, but it could have been, so I consider myself lucky for all I have
Her mom says she's addicted to the computer, the internet moreso, and to be honest, that is quite possible but there's a reason. The people she trusts are only accessible to her online, on skype, because she feels that the majority of the people she knows irl do not care enough to want to deal with her, that her parents will just insist that she would need a therapist and better medication, maybe a stay at the mental hospital. Friends she had in school slowly started to leave her because of her 'drama', and as far as I know, she only has a small amount of people she really trusts irl. The internet, the computer, is her escape, an outlet, a way she freely express herself without the backlash of her parents and sister, and her mother is constantly threatening to take it away from her saying that an addiction to her computer will not be helpful to her mental illnesses, and while that may be true for some people, it's not for her. She is somewhat of a recluse, not against going out, but not exactly allowed to much either. She uses the internet to write her poetry, her thoughts, to meet people all around the world and speak to her friends and feel better. IMHO, I feel it's helping her more than not. However, her mother recently read a not-so-accurate book about depression and has decided she understands it fully, which is her attitude about basically everything. She's a know-it-all.

Lately her mother has been spouting things like 'You must learn to forgive' and 'Treat others as you would have them treat you'. Honestly, the latter statement is just beyond hypocritical it's amazing she can't see that and there's, IMO, some people that just should not be forgiven. You don't deserve it and you can't just ask someone to excuse all your actions like that. It's not reasonable. Own up to your mistakes and if you really want to be forgiven for all the stuff you've done, earn it.

EDIT (3/24/13): Her mother started making jabs at her again today, going so far as to make her cry saying:

"you're wasting your life away just writing, you're not even going to get anywhere with that"
"i'm going to sign you up for mcdonalds so you can get out of the house and make a real living. who knows? maybe they'll accept you"
"i know other places wont, i mean what do you have to offer?

Look lady, you're not being supportive or motivating. In fact, that's the opposite of motivating. You may not think writing is amazing but for other people it can lead to all kinds of stuff; an escape, a way to vent, a way to express yourself. She's not wasting her life away. It allows her to get out her feelings and feel better, which is more than I can say for you. I hate, do you hear me, HATE it when my father talks down to me the way her mother just talked down to her. First of fucking all, you just called your kid worthless, saying to their face that they have nothing to offer anyone. Do you know what kind of damage that could do? DO YOU? Probably not. Second of all, do not EVER sign your kid up for anything WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. That's invasive and you're forcing them to do something they don't want to, which can lead to resentment. You're not allowing her to figure out what SHE wants to do with her life. Stop making your kid feel bad for not being what you would consider successful. She's 17. Now, I could understand you talking to her like that if she was, say, in her 30's but she's a teenager. You're seriously going to stand there with your snarky attitude and act like someone who's been on this planet for less than 2 decades should figure out what she wants to do for the rest of her life and then act like all she's good for is some fast food restaurant?

Does someone have to use small words and talk slowly when telling you you're a bad parent, or will that not even work? You are so blind to how badly you make her feel about herself and her life it's ridiculous. If anything, her so-called "failure" is your fault. Not hers. YOURS. You have beat her down her whole life verbally and emotionally, talking down to her, being condescending, acting like a know-it-all, and yet, you expect her to just be sooooo successful and happy regardless, you CLEARLY, know nothing about psychology, or about your own fucking daughter.
Did you even pay attention to anything she wrote in her poems? Did you? Did you analyze them and figure out anything about her from them? Probably not, instead you focused on the fact that she wrote them and decided she was just angry, blamed it on the people she knows online and decided to get her a new fucking therapist and force her to take EVEN MORE medication, and stronger meds at that. What the actual fuck?
Plus, I mean, you don't even get why it's bad that you snooped in the first place. Comparing to looking through your childs files to that of your child looking through your clothes. Those files are personal and so private. Clothes are not the same thing as poems filled with your childs hidden emotions that you don't have the capacity or ability to understand. It is understandable to want to know and understand how your daughter is feeling but there are way to go about it that are wrong, and there are ways to go about it that are right and unfortunately you've done nothing but choose the ways that are wrong.

You might go so far as to say 'Oh, don't teach me how to parent', well then, be a better parent.
Your snide bullshit comments do nothing for Meg. They don't help her, they don't motivate her. YOU'RE MAKING HER DEPRESSION WORSE. It fucking amazes me how blind you are to that.


There's honestly not much I can do for Meg, but I'd like to. I want to travel the country and maybe the world with her, and get a place with her to just get her out of that house. However, as you might have guessed, we met online and I am currently unable to do anything for her. I've talked to my mom about letting her stay with us but my parents can't afford another person moving in and we don't have any extra rooms or anything.

She turns 18 in June, and then I don't know what. I just would like for her to have a better life and I made this post because I want to show people that if you're going through something like this, you're not alone. Also, if you're a mother and you do this kind of stuff with your kids, stop it. They don't deserve that and you can think you're making them a better person all you want, but you're not. You're ruining their lives. You're hurting them. You're damaging them and you really have no idea what that could do to them emotionally, mentally, psychologically.

Just a word of advice, if you are, in any way, a shitty human being, please, PLEASE, do not reproduce. No child should EVER have to grow up dealing with you.

EDIT: OMG, I just found THE perfect post on tumblr to go with this:

Me: *Has Social Issues*
Teachers: You're being irrational. Get off the internet for two seconds and realize that.
People at School: You're ridiculous. Stop going on your computer so much and maybe you'll be healthier.
Parents: It's all the internet's fault. It's the root of all evil.
Society: See everyone? The internet is destroying our children.
Internet: You had an anxiety attack today? OMFG ARE YOU OKAY??!!! DO YOU WANT A COOKIE??!! Or would you rather be left alone? How can I help you!??? I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
Everyone: See, the internet is evil.
Everyone: Now stop with all of your problems or we'll punish you.
Me: ...

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